Surrendering the Need to be Perfect

Posted on October 1, 2025October 2, 2025 by coachjie

Perfection.

How often have you heard someone present it as a “weakness” in a job interview – almost like a badge of honor?

In Transactional Analysis, the American psychologist Taibi Kahler described five main drivers – unconscious pushes that influence how we think, feel and behave:

Be Perfect
Be Strong
Please Others
Try Hard
Hurry Up

Each of us tends to lean more strongly toward one or two of these.

For me, Be Perfect is the one that stands out. I even saw it as a compliment for many years. After all, striving for perfection is often praised in our culture. From a young age, many of us were taught to aim for the highest grades, to avoid mistakes, to please parents and teachers by doing everything “just right”. Perfection wasn’t just encouraged, it was rewarded.

On my journey of self-awareness – trying to understand why I react the way I do – I’ve started to notice just how omnipresent this driver is. It hides behind situations I wish I had handled differently: small arguments that turned into battles over details, moments when I stayed silent instead of asking for help, projects I delayed because I feared they weren’t ready to be shared.

It shows up in subtle ways too: rereading an email ten times before sending it, overpreparing for meetings or feeling uneasy when things don’t go according to plan.

All of these behaviors trace back to the same root: the pressure to get it “perfect”. And underneath that, the quiet fear of what it means if I don’t.

This is not how I want to live the rest of my life.

AWARENESS is the first step toward overcoming perfectionism.

Today, when I feel stress rising, I pause and I breathe deeply. I ask myself: What’s triggering this?

If it’s the pressure to be perfect – or the fear of not being perfect – I take another a deep breath. And I remind myself: It’s okay not to be perfect.

I accept that mistakes are part of growth, that flaws are part of being human, and that vulnerability often creates deeper connection than any polished façade ever could.

When I accept myself in my imperfection, something shifts. The tension in my body softens, the critical voice in my head gets quieter, and space opens up for a kinder response. Instead of overthinking, I can take one simple step forward. Instead of defending my pride, I can admit a mistake and move on. Instead of chasing flawless results, I can focus on progress and presence. Most importantly, I can show up as I am — human, learning, evolving. And in that space, there is a surprising freedom: the freedom to try, to create, to love, and to live without the constant weight of needing to be flawless.

Each time I practice this, I feel a little lighter. A little freer. And more at peace.

Perfection loses its grip, and what emerges instead is clarity, calm, and a deeper connection — both to myself and to others.